THE PLAYERS

Ever met one of the people that you accidentally refer to as "Harold" and they say, "Hey, how's it going?" That's Nate, right here. Always ready with the perfect alliterative nonsense-phrase, Nate's exactly the sort of wingman you want by your side in the trenches of a 2 AM Denny's run. When he isn't spending time with his beloved felid companions, you can usually find Nate sippin' on an ice-cold Diet Coke, playing some Mass Effect, or attempting to find parking in front of his house. What a mensch!

Legends speak of a man so bodacious, so svelte, so aptly named, that their very presence is enough to evoke wonderment from the entire tri-state area. Well, we're not sure if that's the best way to describe Biggs, but it certainly is enough to sign for a search warrant. Rare as it may be, you can sometimes spot a wild Bigg-Boi out at the Gym, near the local hobby shop, or behind the K-Mart perfecting his secret butter recipe. Truly, he is our shining star.

“The language of light can only be decoded by the heart.” Suzy Kassem once famously said that, and our research team has come to the conclusion that she was most likely speaking of our pal, Andy. Unlike the rest of us hooligans, Andy not only possesses a moral compass, but he also has an acute understanding of what a compass actually does. In fact, statistical evidence shows that this fine fellow is likely to dethrone even our holy Keanu as "The World's Most Beloved Public Figure." Stay gold, Ponyboy.

Everyone's favorite uncle & mysterious interloper, now available in one convenient, sultry package! At the tender age of 17, Zack came to a realization as he stared at the splash image of Season 6, Episode 17 of Full House: "If Jodie Sweetin can become the host of a middling television dance-off competition, then surely I can at least see Failure in concert 14 times before the cruel reality of arthritis and crippling joint damage sets in!" While his realization proved to be false, it certainly strengthened his ability to craft over 60 sublime MTG decks. Silence may not be golden, but that doesn't mean it can't be beautiful.

At the end of the day, some stars are meant to shine, others are best left under a heat lamp for 2-3 hours in order to maintain a semblance of texture. Roger fits neither of these descriptions, but that doesn't bring him down, at least not publicly. Born with an unhealthy Les Paul obsession and an innate desire to spread his absurdly annoying love of Tobias Forge to the world, Roger somehow managed, instead, to bring our swarthy crew together for your entertainment. If his ADHD could only be weaponized...

“ℑ 𝔴𝔦𝔰𝔥 𝔦𝔱 𝔫𝔢𝔢𝔡 𝔫𝔬𝔱 𝔥𝔞𝔳𝔢 𝔥𝔞𝔭𝔭𝔢𝔫𝔢𝔡 𝔦𝔫 𝔪𝔶 𝔱𝔦𝔪𝔢," 𝔰𝔞𝔦𝔡 𝔉𝔯𝔬𝔡𝔬. "𝔖𝔬 𝔡𝔬 ℑ," 𝔰𝔞𝔦𝔡 𝔊𝔞𝔫𝔡𝔞𝔩𝔣, "𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔰𝔬 𝔡𝔬 𝔞𝔩𝔩 𝔴𝔥𝔬 𝔩𝔦𝔳𝔢 𝔱𝔬 𝔰𝔢𝔢 𝔰𝔲𝔠𝔥 𝔱𝔦𝔪𝔢𝔰. 𝔅𝔲𝔱 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔦𝔰 𝔫𝔬𝔱 𝔣𝔬𝔯 𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔪 𝔱𝔬 𝔡𝔢𝔠𝔦𝔡𝔢. 𝔄𝔩𝔩 𝔴𝔢 𝔥𝔞𝔳𝔢 𝔱𝔬 𝔡𝔢𝔠𝔦𝔡𝔢 𝔦𝔰 𝔴𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔱𝔬 𝔡𝔬 𝔴𝔦𝔱𝔥 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔱𝔦𝔪𝔢 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔦𝔰 𝔤𝔦𝔳𝔢𝔫 𝔲𝔰.”